Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Updates for the day

1) I've decided that my life goal is to meet Peyton Manning.  And to thank him for being so classy and humble in spite of his incredible talent and notoriety.  And for routinely kicking people's butt in football.  And for just being so ridiculously awesome.

2) We continue to wait on word with regards to adoption.  Our profile was submitted for consideration for a few kids this month, but it could still be a while till we hear anything, if anything at all.  I do know that our profile will continue to be submitted each month until our home-study/profile is selected and we move forward in the process.  Should be interesting.  Patience is a virtue they say.  I'm working on being virtuous.... ;-)

3) Jon takes comps in October.  Please be praying for him.  I know he'll do great, because he's so intelligent, but there's always a measure of nerves when you're prepping for a really big exam.  So if you happen to think of him on occasion, I know he'd appreciate the prayers.

4) We're also prepping to run another 5K then a 10K in October.  We'll graduate to a half after that probably, depending on timing.  I hope to have our end goal be a marathon.  It's not an easy goal to reach, but I know it'll be worth it to say that we ran a marathon if we make it to that point.  We've got a ways to go, but it feels good to be running consistently again. 

That's pretty much it.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Sometimes it's just tough

There are many verses in the Bible that explain, and even strongly encourage us, on how we should handle struggles or trials.  They're there for a reason, and that's because we live in a sin-laden world and every person will encounter some form of challenge in their life.  Christians are not immune to this either, even though many people like to think otherwise.  But what we have that the world doesn't, is hope.  We have Jesus Christ Who has gone before us and Who will never leave or forsake us.  And we have the Bible that has numerous teachings on how to handle trials, and encouragement for when we're struggling.

I'm grateful that we have so many verses that explain how we should handle trials.  It's so easy to fall prey to our emotions and allow them to dictate how we behave when we encounter struggles, but in doing that, we're not helping ourselves.  No amount of sobbing, anger, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, etc. will fix the situation we're in.  That's why it's so great to have clear descriptions of what we should do in the midst of a struggle, like in James chapter 1 where we're told to consider trials a joy, or in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, where we're to give thanks in all circumstances (yes, ALL, even the bad).   Even look to Job, who has his entire life torn apart, but he held fast.  What an incredible standard he set for us Christians.  One that many people, self included, have often fallen short of.

That said, it doesn't mean they eliminate the pain and the hurt we feel in those times.  As I've mentioned before, Jon and I have been dealing with our own struggle lately, me more than him, but that's understandable.  For almost 2 years now, we've been trying to have kids, with no success.  We've been immensely fortunate that we've found alternative methods for bringing kids into our family through adoption here in OK, but we're in the thick of the waiting game now.  And I can't lie, it's been hard.

As each month passes with no updates regarding adoption, and certainly no pregnancy, it's tough to fight the emotions of disappointment, sadness, frustration and fear.  I know that adoption will eventually work out (though, I wish it would go a little faster...), and I can't wait till we're able to be mom and dad to a little one who needs a loving family to love and take care of them.  And as I've said before, to us, there is absolutely NO difference between an adoptive and biological child.  But that doesn't mean that I don't want to have a baby.   I really do.  And that's something I still struggle with, even though we're pursuing adoption.

With all the new pregnancy announcements I've been seeing lately, I can't help but think of when will it be my turn, if ever?  Seeing people talk about their experiences, their "firsts", it's hard to fight the questions of "will I ever?".  Will I ever get to announce "I'm pregnant!" to anyone?  Will I ever get to go have a sonogram and see my little one's body starting to take form?  Will I ever get to hear their little heart beat?  Will I ever get to feel them kick?  Will I ever get to go through all the joys and challenges of pregnancy?  Will I ever get to experience those first moments when my child takes their first few breaths in this world?  To hold them right after they're born, to cherish them, to hear their first cries, to hold their tiny little hands and feet?  Will I ever get to figure out who they look like more?  Will I ever get to pick their name?

These have been the questions that have been on my mind a lot lately, and it's been tough to fight the insecurity and fear that I feel when I try to envision my future and see no resolution to them.  But thank the Lord for Jesus Christ and His Word.  By God's grace and that alone, it's been a lot easier to be patient, to trust, and wait on His timing, than it was when we first started trying for kids.  It's still difficult to be patient and fight the urge to freak out on occasion, but He has been working in my life in big ways, especially when it comes to finding peace and trusting in Him.  The hurt and struggle is still there, and will be I think for a while, but I'm grateful that they don't control my life.  I'm glad too that even in times when I stumble and find myself floundering in the midst of fear, disappointment, frustration, He doesn't abandon me.  That's something I'm thankful every day for.  He is an incredible and loving Father. 

Monday, September 9, 2013

Give thanks

 "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thessalonians 5:18

Lord, since memorizing this verse, it has popped up into my head quite frequently, particularly at times when I've been struggling with something.  It would pop up and even though I hoped I'd receive some sort of comfort or solution to my problem, I never felt any better about my circumstances.  I realized that this was because I wasn't actually doing what your word was telling me to do.  I wasn't "giving thanks".  I was merely repeating a verse to myself.  I want to change that Lord, so here I am, intending to write down to you what I'm thankful to you for.

Lord, thank you for the trials that you've put me through.  I have had a very easy life, and even in spite of the struggles, Lord you have protected me from far greater trials.  I find myself right now in a situation I never anticipated, but it has been teaching me a great deal about myself, my character, and my faith.  Lord, it's been so challenging but thank you so much for this struggle.  Thank you that it has opened my eyes to see how utterly weak I have been, to see how completely dependent I need to be on You.  I have tried to handle this on my own, perhaps with a few scattered prayers skyward for relief, and it has left me feeling empty, heartbroken, and longing for a comfort I could not hope to give myself.  God, you have been using this to refine me.  To mold me to your Person in ways I could have never dreamed possible on my own.  It has been so hard Lord, and the sense of longing and loss I feel is still so present, but you are strengthening me.  You are helping me to rely on you and not myself.  You are helping me to be patient, to wait, and to trust that you work all things to the good of those who love you. 

Lord, I want to be dependent.  I want to have the faith of a mustard seed.  I want to be a woman who always strives to seek and be near you always.  I want people to see you and not me.  I want to be like you Jesus.  Thank you for using this struggle in my life to help me see and fix the things in my life that have prevented me from doing so.

Thank you also God for our ability to pursue adoption.  Thank you that there is another way for us to bring children into our family.  Thank you that we have the finances, the house, the family, and the love to bring in a child or children who so desperately want what Jon and I had, the incredible blessing of a loving family.  Thank you that you will be with and help us become Godly parents to the little ones who will someday be ours.

Thank you for your provision in our lives.  We take so many things for granted and yet you still continue to bless us.  Thank you that we have such easy access to food, water and shelter.  Thank you for the fact that we have a car, we have electricity, we have clothes on our back.  Thank you that we live where we live.  Thank you for my job that has enabled us to pay off debt, put Jon through school, and help us be able to pursue adoption.

Thank you for my family.  Thank you so much that they live close and that we get to see them on a regular basis.  Thank you for the deep love we have for each other.  Thank you for my extended family too.  Lord, even though distance separates us, thank you that technology exists for us to "see" each other on a frequent basis.  Thank you for their role in our lives.  Thank you for the constant love and care they show us.

Thank you for my husband.  Thank you for his tender love and care for me when my heart has been heaviest.  Thank you for his leadership.  Thank you for his intelligence that has enabled him to pursue a teaching career that will provide for us.  Thank you for his strength, especially when I've been weak.  Thank you that he strives to love, follow and obey you.  Thank you for giving me my best friend.

Thank you for my health.  Thank you that I'm alive for another day.  How easily and quickly things could end Lord, but here I am for another day.  Please help me never take this for granted.

Thank you Lord, most of all, for saving me.  You are wholly innocent and perfect, yet you condescended from your heavenly throne to die on a Cross and bear the punishment that I deserved.  You had every right to destroy me, to send me to hell where I rightfully belong.  You had every right to abandon me to my sin and punishment.  But unfathomably Lord, you didn't.  Instead, you loved me.  You loved me past comprehension.  You loved me enough to die on that Cross in my place.  You took what I deserved on yourself and that is something I can never even hope to repay.   If I dedicated every second of my life, for the rest of my life, to thanking you, it would still never be enough.  But my God, thank you.   Thank you, thank you, thank you.  You saved me because you loved me, and that is something I pray I never get over. 

Thank you Lord for You.  Thank you.