I'm Back!

It's been while since I last posted on here.  It's been so long that, for a while, it looked as if Google had actually deleted my blog.  That was a horrifying prospect, as I had put a lot of time and effort into that!  But I found it, so it's all good now.

I stopped posting for a while because there wasn't much to write about honestly.  We're creatures of routine, so updates and exciting events are fewer and farther between than they otherwise would be.  Not that I'm complaining, but it doesn't really provide much material for regular blog posts.  My poor long-distance friends though.  It might be several months in-between when we're able to chat and catch up, and I'll rarely have anything new to tell them, so I probably bore them a bit.  Lol, oh well. 

In any event, I'm back, and actually have things to write about again.  Some of it is sad, some is ugly, and some will be me just talking and spouting off whatever I'm trying to learn through whatever experience I find myself going through.  Naturally, however, the thing that provides me current inspiration for this post and hopefully others to follow, is, of course, a whopper.  At least it's material...?  Meh. In any event, let the exposition commence.

Today's topic of conversation: Bitterness and Resentment

Boy oh boy, where to begin with this one.

To be honest, I never anticipated having to confront these two issues.  Partly because I have a terrible memory about things, so it's fairly likely that I'm just going to forget something negative that's happened to me in the past.  This has actually proven to be quite useful, as it makes forgiveness that much easier (please don't misunderstand me though, I don't say any of this flippantly or arrogantly.  It's by God's grace alone, truly, that I and everyone have the ability to extend forgiveness.  It's truly a gift).  The other reason why I never anticipated encountering these two issues is because (naively) I really thought that I would never experience situations where I would subtly grow bitter and resentful towards someone.  Jokes on me with this one.

To be clear, whenever I have felt that there has been an offense against me and someone has apologized, it is a true joy to extend them forgiveness ("Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." Luke 7:47).  What I didn't expect though, was to encounter something over the years that would subtly build and build until it came to a point when I wanted nothing to do with the person who I have been wounded by.  This is largely because of frequent hurt (metaphorical, not literal..) with lack of apology.  I know that if I can't lay the offense at the altar and forgive them without them seeking forgiveness, then I need to go to them and talk to them about it (Matthew 18), but unfortunately for me, this is where my pride kicks in. 

There are only a few things that genuinely bother me enough to actually do something about them (for the record, I'm not boasting about this...I know that this is a horrible character trait and weakness.  Right now, I'm just being open and honest).  One of the most prominent, is my intense dislike (I'd use a far stronger word if I wasn't trying to filter myself...) of being taken advantage of or being lied to/burned.  When those things are combined, you better believe I won't let it happen again.  This often translates into my extrication from that person's life completely and never speaking to them again.  I know, I'm just a glowing beacon of Christ's love for everyone when I get like this...

However, this might seem like a simple solution and certainly a prideful one ("Ha! As punishment, I will remove myself from your life and you will miss me and regret what you did because I'm that awesome!"...I amaze even myself, and NOT in a good way), but it's not, even from a practical standpoint.  It becomes even more of an impractical and detrimental solution when it's completely impossible to extricate yourself.  As a result, I'm being forced to face the problem head on.  The difficulty with this however, is that every fiber of my being wants to do the exact opposite.  Why, hello pride, so good of you to join me....*cue horror music*

People can delude themselves into thinking that it's OK to harbor these feelings of bitterness and resentment (put me first in line...) and that no matter what anyone says, we can control it and not let it impact any other area of life (again, I'm right at the front of the line...).  Let me tell you, this is a lie straight from the devil.  It is a poison and it will weave it's way into every part of your life and if given free reign/left uncontrolled, it will ruin your life.  I should know, I've been miserable (personally and to be with) these past several months...

For a long time I was lying to myself thinking that not only was I in control of it, but even worse, that I wasn't even struggling with bitterness and resentment.  I believed that they were non-issues for me because I felt like I wasn't even experiencing those feeling towards anyone.  Truth is, I was and I was just trying to hide it from everyone else so that they wouldn't confront me and lovingly challenge and convict me on my stance.  No matter how much I had been hurt, I was ultimately wrong.

It's a tough pill to swallow when you have to lay down the pride and hurt that you've nursed for far longer than you realized.  In my case, it was years, and I never believed that I was bitter and resentful towards that person until things between me (and others involved) and that person came to a head.  When there was division between me and that person, all the hurt, bitterness, resentment, anger, and frustration came boiling over and I believed that I had a right to have all these feelings and to hang onto them and to make that person pay for all that they've done to me over the years.

It's funny though, how even in those moments, one's conscience comes into play, often when we don't want them to (naturally...).  Throughout this whole ordeal, I've logically known that I have had no right to hold these feelings and years of hurt against this person, that I should instead be praying for them that God would be at work in their life and that things would eventually be resolved in a God-glorifying manner.  Instead, I was rejoicing in the fact that for the first time, I felt free from this person and all the fake pretenses and acts that I had to put on with this person just to be around them.  Yet throughout all of this, there has been this nagging feeling and question that has been in the back of my mind quite frequently (I think maybe God is trying to tell me something??...hmmm): "What makes you better than them?  Don't you do the exact same things to Jesus Christ?  Does He treat you the way you're treating this person?".... No!  Go away conscience!  Let me relish in my feelings!....

Fact of the matter is, emotions and hurt aside, I know that I'm wrong.  I know that I've been no better in my thoughts and actions these past several months than the one who has hurt me, at least in this area.  I know that logically and especially as a Christ follower, I have no right to be bitter or resentful towards anyone, no matter how much hurt they have caused.  The reason for this is because Jesus NEVER has or nor ever will do that to me.  No matter how many times I sin against Him, even without apology or with repeat offense, He will not harbor those things against me, when I finally come crawling back.  He showed and continues to show me forgiveness.  He took the punishment I deserved for my sin on Himself rather than giving it to me.  That's what forgiveness is.

It is definitely not going to be easy to fight against these poisonous feelings that are deep seated in my heart and character.  Do I want to fight them?  No.  Do I have to fight them?  Yes.  Will I like fighting them?  Heck no.  Will I do it anyways? [Do I have a choice...(of course you do... {now I'm talking to myself...this is obviously a good sign...}] YES AND JOYFULLY, even if not happily.

Joking aside, I don't want to fight them but I know I have to.  I know however that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13 and that gives me hope.  I'm choosing to do this because I want to obey and glorify my heavenly Father and I hope that through this, my heart will soften and change towards this person.

In writing this post, the following song popped into my head.  It's a great song and every time I've heard it, I know that it's exactly what I needed to hear, except the fact that I ignored the message every time because I didn't want to hear it.  Naturally.  Not this time though...well at least for now.

Forgiveness - Matthew West

"It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have to say the word...

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'set it free'

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness"

It's funny how a song can seem written just to/for you.

I have more to say on this issue, but I'll leave it for another post.  This definitely won't be the last time I talk about this and certainly not the last time I'll struggle with it.  But I find that I can gather my thoughts better when I'm able to write them out like this, so perhaps this will be more helpful to me than I originally planned.

Prayers are always appreciated :).

I'm a sinner.

I am prideful, but not in the “look how awesome I am” way.

No, I’m prideful in a far more dangerous way - I think I’m good, all by my own merits.  I think that I’m doing so much better than other people in my life because I don’t and didn’t make the same mistakes they did or that I don’t struggle with the things they struggle with.  It’s time I worked at eliminating this area of sin in my life.  I intend to start by listing off the areas that I try to mask with outward acts of “Goodness” and/or “Piety”.  My pride has caused me nothing but pain and trouble and it’s dethroned the ONLY ONE Who should be seated at the head of my life: Jesus Christ.

I’m arrogant.  While I don’t conduct myself in a condescending manner (at least I hope I don’t because I’d be even more mortified than I currently am), in my mind, I’m judging people and viewing myself as though I’m better than them.  Sure, I have my moments of sin, but overall, I think I’m doing way better than they are.

I have to be right all the time.  I think my opinion on important issues is most often the right one.  When I’m wrong, I do not willingly acknowledge this.  Only after the point has been beaten over my head (metaphorically) and I’ve offended someone because I’ve not been humble, do I begrudgingly admit when I’m wrong.  I’m rarely willing to apologize for my attitude, and when I do apologize, I do so out of obligation to appease whomever I upset.

I’m manipulative.  When something doesn’t go my way, I make sure others feel bad about it.  When I’m offended, I have to make sure the person feels as horrible as I do before I’m willing to acknowledge their apology.   

I get angry very easily.  If something happens that I don’t approve of or don’t like, my immediate reaction is to get angry, as though that’s going to change things.  If someone contradicts me, I get angry at them.  When someone offends me, I get angry at them until they make amends.

I lack discipline.  I can’t set my mind to something and accomplish it in its entirety unless there is pressure being put on me, whether in the presence of someone or under a deadline.  If I have time to complete something, I will goof off and surf the web before it’s absolutely necessary for me to complete what it was I was working on.

I’m judgmental.  I look at people and highlight their flaws.  If they do something I don’t approve of, I look down on them.  If they’re not as mature as I am, I look down on them.  If they’re not like me, I look down on them.  Gah.

I’m resentful.  If someone has offended me and hasn’t apologized for it, I want nothing to do with that person ever again.  Even if they do apologize, I don’t really forgive them until I think they’ve paid the punishment for their offense.

I'm impatient.  When I don't get what I want exactly when I want it, I behave like a spoiled brat. In an instant, my life becomes so difficult that I can hardly bear it.

I’m a wretched, broken sinner in desperate need of a Savior.

I need a daily reminder of all these character weaknesses because it’s very easy for me to overlook them, downplay them, or outright ignore them.  I’m disgustingly prideful.  The fact that I think I’m better than other people shows how deep seated this pride is in my life.  The only way I can really see myself overcoming this, is to make this known to other people.  It hurts.  It’s humiliating.  It’s hard.  But I’m not a good person.  I’m a sinner who aims to control her life because I think I do a great job of it.  Yet when I look at all those lovely qualities above, I couldn’t be more off.  I’m a sinner who was rescued by the perfect blood of Jesus Christ.  I did nothing to earn that and nothing to deserve it.  It was because HE LOVED ME.  And the best I’m able to give Him right now is a few minutes of reading the Bible in the morning.  I’ve had enough and it’s time to let the Lord of Creation be the Lord of my life.  Completely.

Husband Card

I love my Dad.  He is one of the most God-fearing, God-honoring, loving, selfless, gracious, hard-working, servant-hearted people I know.  Until Jon came into my life over 4 years ago, he was the main man in my life.  There was never a time where I was insecure or felt unwanted or unloved, because he took his role as "Dad" seriously.  I never felt the need to seek attention and affection elsewhere, because I always knew how much he loved and cherished me.  He was my greatest protector, defender, greatest support, and he has always been a constant in my life.  Aside from my relationship with Jesus Christ, I am the person I am today because of him. 

Whilst cleaning my room this afternoon, I stumbled upon my "Husband Card".  When I was 14 or 15, my dad gave me one of the best pieces of advice (among many) and that was to compose a list of character qualities I would want to have in a future husband.  At the time, I thought it was a strange thing to do, and I actually put it off for a while.  Eventually I did sit down and write it, and I'm so grateful I did and that my Dad encouraged me to so do. 

The point of the Husband Card is to, in a moment of clear, rational, non-emotional thought, create a guideline or check list of all the qualities that would make a good husband.  It would be something I would reference whenever I entered the dating scene and would be looking to find a future spouse. 

When I read it again this afternoon, it was the coolest thing to compare my husband to the things I wanted in a husband when I wrote it.  He matches up perfectly.  I decided, therefore, to write out my card for those who want to read it and perhaps do something similar.  I'm so grateful that my dad encouraged me to do this, because it helped me choose a God-fearing, loving and honoring man to be my husband.  I strongly encourage others who have not yet found their spouse to do so as well - you won't regret it.  So, here it is:

Husband Card

I. Spiritual Character

1. Strong, devoted Christ Follower (check)
2. Open about and willing to share his faith (check)
3. Challenges me to grow in my walk with Jesus Christ (check)
4. God fearing man (check)

II. Character

1. Leader (check)
2. Moral (check)
3. Hard-worker (check)
4. Ethical (check)
5. Not a work-a-holic (check)
6. Gentleman (check)
7. Honest (check)
8. Generous (check)
9. Kind (check)
10. Respectful (check)
11. Considerate(check)
12. Humble(check)

III. Personality

1. Funny (check)
2. Gentle (check)
3. Open (check)
4. Serious minded (check)
5. Talkative, but not "non-stop" (lol, check)

IV. Goals

1. Start a family (check)
2. Wants to home school kids (likely a check)
3. Is willing to be sole provider for the family (check)
4. Definitely no divorce (check)

V. Requirements Prior to Marriage

1.  Good, solid education (check)
2. Graduate from college with degree (check)
3. Good solid paying job (grad school counts, so check)
4. Financial Stability (check)
5. Not a divorced man (lol, definitely check)

VI. Outward Appearance (lol, yup...got that covered too, thankfully, it's not too bad)

1. Stays in good, reasonable shape (check)
2. broad shoulders (lol, yup, check)
3. muscular arms (lol, yup)
4. Good posture, knows how to carry himself (check)
5. Strong (yup)

So there you go.  That's my husband card.  I thank God constantly that He gave me my Dad who loved, cared for and protected me, and prepared me to know what to look for in a Godly husband  Praise God for Who He is and the blessings He richly pours on His children who don't deserve it. I'm so grateful for my Dad and I'm so grateful I followed his advice.  It's truly been a blessing.

Patience is a Virtue

One of the things I think God has been teaching me over the years, but most especially since I got married, has been patience. 

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have this problem with demanding immediate gratification for things I want. I know, it's horrifying when I realize how spoiled rotten I sound. 

Then I married Jon.  In many ways, he is my complete opposite. This tends to be reflected in finances and big decisions we have to make.   Over our year and a half of marriage, there have been many times when I've thought we "needed" something but weren't necessarily able to afford at the time.  I'm ashamed to say that I wasn't the easiest person to be married to during those moments.  Through God's grace however, I have worked very hard to curtail those reactions when I realize I can't have something I want right away.  I've had to be patient and realize that, while I can't immediately have it, if I just practice some self-control, we'll eventually be able to afford it and I'll be none-the-worse for the wear.

While it's been easier for me to tackle my reactions when being patient for material things, there are other issues that have proven to be a greater struggle.  I can't help but think however, that it is another way for God to chip away at my character weaknesses, so that I can trust in Him more and become more Christ-like.  It's just so much harder when the thing you want so desperately can't immediately become a reality.  It's in times like these however, that I have to remind myself of the many wonderful things I do have and be thankful for them.  I know so many others would give anything to be in my position, and I should be grateful.  In these times of struggle, I've found the following verses to be helpful.

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" 

Psalms 37:4: "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Food For Thought...

If there is one thing that discredits the message of the Cross more than anything else, it's "Christians" behaving no differently than non-Christians.  If someone were asked whether or not they thought you were a Christ follower, what would they say?  If someone were to ask the same question of me, I ashamedly have to admit that they'd probably say I'm just a good person.  This breaks my heart more than I can say.

Sure, I can be moral.  I can refuse to curse, gossip, steal, etc.  Does that make me a Christian?  Not by a long shot.  Refusing to behave badly doesn't save me from the just wrath of a Holy and Righteous God.  It doesn't cover the punishment I DESERVE for sinning against Him.

That's why God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to save us.  We had/have no hope apart from Him.

Jesus Christ lived a perfect, righteous, and sinless life, something we could never do.  Then he bore the weight of our sin and just wrath of God.  He took it all upon Himself so that we wouldn't have to.  


If we truly understood what was done on our behalf, why wouldn't our lives reflect it?  If you realized what you were saved from, the unfathomable wrath of a God you sinned against and the punishment of eternal damnation and separation from Him, the last thing you would be trying to do is lead a good life.  Jesus Christ deserves SO much more than that.  Even devoting our entire lives to bringing glory and honor to Him wouldn't be enough to say "thank you". 

The problem I'm facing with all of this, is that I can't seem to re-ignite the passion I had when the reality of Christ's love for me first hit home.

You know...(2)

It's even harder to not wallow in self-pity.  God, help me dwell on You and not myself.

You know...

It's hard to not be self-critical. gah