Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I'm a sinner.

I am prideful, but not in the “look how awesome I am” way.

No, I’m prideful in a far more dangerous way - I think I’m good, all by my own merits.  I think that I’m doing so much better than other people in my life because I don’t and didn’t make the same mistakes they did or that I don’t struggle with the things they struggle with.  It’s time I worked at eliminating this area of sin in my life.  I intend to start by listing off the areas that I try to mask with outward acts of “Goodness” and/or “Piety”.  My pride has caused me nothing but pain and trouble and it’s dethroned the ONLY ONE Who should be seated at the head of my life: Jesus Christ.

I’m arrogant.  While I don’t conduct myself in a condescending manner (at least I hope I don’t because I’d be even more mortified than I currently am), in my mind, I’m judging people and viewing myself as though I’m better than them.  Sure, I have my moments of sin, but overall, I think I’m doing way better than they are.

I have to be right all the time.  I think my opinion on important issues is most often the right one.  When I’m wrong, I do not willingly acknowledge this.  Only after the point has been beaten over my head (metaphorically) and I’ve offended someone because I’ve not been humble, do I begrudgingly admit when I’m wrong.  I’m rarely willing to apologize for my attitude, and when I do apologize, I do so out of obligation to appease whomever I upset.

I’m manipulative.  When something doesn’t go my way, I make sure others feel bad about it.  When I’m offended, I have to make sure the person feels as horrible as I do before I’m willing to acknowledge their apology.   

I get angry very easily.  If something happens that I don’t approve of or don’t like, my immediate reaction is to get angry, as though that’s going to change things.  If someone contradicts me, I get angry at them.  When someone offends me, I get angry at them until they make amends.

I lack discipline.  I can’t set my mind to something and accomplish it in its entirety unless there is pressure being put on me, whether in the presence of someone or under a deadline.  If I have time to complete something, I will goof off and surf the web before it’s absolutely necessary for me to complete what it was I was working on.

I’m judgmental.  I look at people and highlight their flaws.  If they do something I don’t approve of, I look down on them.  If they’re not as mature as I am, I look down on them.  If they’re not like me, I look down on them.  Gah.

I’m resentful.  If someone has offended me and hasn’t apologized for it, I want nothing to do with that person ever again.  Even if they do apologize, I don’t really forgive them until I think they’ve paid the punishment for their offense.

I'm impatient.  When I don't get what I want exactly when I want it, I behave like a spoiled brat. In an instant, my life becomes so difficult that I can hardly bear it.

I’m a wretched, broken sinner in desperate need of a Savior.

I need a daily reminder of all these character weaknesses because it’s very easy for me to overlook them, downplay them, or outright ignore them.  I’m disgustingly prideful.  The fact that I think I’m better than other people shows how deep seated this pride is in my life.  The only way I can really see myself overcoming this, is to make this known to other people.  It hurts.  It’s humiliating.  It’s hard.  But I’m not a good person.  I’m a sinner who aims to control her life because I think I do a great job of it.  Yet when I look at all those lovely qualities above, I couldn’t be more off.  I’m a sinner who was rescued by the perfect blood of Jesus Christ.  I did nothing to earn that and nothing to deserve it.  It was because HE LOVED ME.  And the best I’m able to give Him right now is a few minutes of reading the Bible in the morning.  I’ve had enough and it’s time to let the Lord of Creation be the Lord of my life.  Completely.