I stopped posting for a while because there wasn't much to write about honestly. We're creatures of routine, so updates and exciting events are fewer and farther between than they otherwise would be. Not that I'm complaining, but it doesn't really provide much material for regular blog posts. My poor long-distance friends though. It might be several months in-between when we're able to chat and catch up, and I'll rarely have anything new to tell them, so I probably bore them a bit. Lol, oh well.
In any event, I'm back, and actually have things to write about again. Some of it is sad, some is ugly, and some will be me just talking and spouting off whatever I'm trying to learn through whatever experience I find myself going through. Naturally, however, the thing that provides me current inspiration for this post and hopefully others to follow, is, of course, a whopper. At least it's material...? Meh. In any event, let the exposition commence.
Today's topic of conversation: Bitterness and Resentment
Boy oh boy, where to begin with this one.
To be honest, I never anticipated having to confront these two issues. Partly because I have a terrible memory about things, so it's fairly likely that I'm just going to forget something negative that's happened to me in the past. This has actually proven to be quite useful, as it makes forgiveness that much easier (please don't misunderstand me though, I don't say any of this flippantly or arrogantly. It's by God's grace alone, truly, that I and everyone have the ability to extend forgiveness. It's truly a gift). The other reason why I never anticipated encountering these two issues is because (naively) I really thought that I would never experience situations where I would subtly grow bitter and resentful towards someone. Jokes on me with this one.
To be clear, whenever I have felt that there has been an offense against me and someone has apologized, it is a true joy to extend them forgiveness ("Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." Luke 7:47). What I didn't expect though, was to encounter something over the years that would subtly build and build until it came to a point when I wanted nothing to do with the person who I have been wounded by. This is largely because of frequent hurt (metaphorical, not literal..) with lack of apology. I know that if I can't lay the offense at the altar and forgive them without them seeking forgiveness, then I need to go to them and talk to them about it (Matthew 18), but unfortunately for me, this is where my pride kicks in.
There are only a few things that genuinely bother me enough to actually do something about them (for the record, I'm not boasting about this...I know that this is a horrible character trait and weakness. Right now, I'm just being open and honest). One of the most prominent, is my intense dislike (I'd use a far stronger word if I wasn't trying to filter myself...) of being taken advantage of or being lied to/burned. When those things are combined, you better believe I won't let it happen again. This often translates into my extrication from that person's life completely and never speaking to them again. I know, I'm just a glowing beacon of Christ's love for everyone when I get like this...
However, this might seem like a simple solution and certainly a prideful one ("Ha! As punishment, I will remove myself from your life and you will miss me and regret what you did because I'm that awesome!"...I amaze even myself, and NOT in a good way), but it's not, even from a practical standpoint. It becomes even more of an impractical and detrimental solution when it's completely impossible to extricate yourself. As a result, I'm being forced to face the problem head on. The difficulty with this however, is that every fiber of my being wants to do the exact opposite. Why, hello pride, so good of you to join me....*cue horror music*
People can delude themselves into thinking that it's OK to harbor these feelings of bitterness and resentment (put me first in line...) and that no matter what anyone says, we can control it and not let it impact any other area of life (again, I'm right at the front of the line...). Let me tell you, this is a lie straight from the devil. It is a poison and it will weave it's way into every part of your life and if given free reign/left uncontrolled, it will ruin your life. I should know, I've been miserable (personally and to be with) these past several months...
For a long time I was lying to myself thinking that not only was I in control of it, but even worse, that I wasn't even struggling with bitterness and resentment. I believed that they were non-issues for me because I felt like I wasn't even experiencing those feeling towards anyone. Truth is, I was and I was just trying to hide it from everyone else so that they wouldn't confront me and lovingly challenge and convict me on my stance. No matter how much I had been hurt, I was ultimately wrong.
It's a tough pill to swallow when you have to lay down the pride and hurt that you've nursed for far longer than you realized. In my case, it was years, and I never believed that I was bitter and resentful towards that person until things between me (and others involved) and that person came to a head. When there was division between me and that person, all the hurt, bitterness, resentment, anger, and frustration came boiling over and I believed that I had a right to have all these feelings and to hang onto them and to make that person pay for all that they've done to me over the years.
It's funny though, how even in those moments, one's conscience comes into play, often when we don't want them to (naturally...). Throughout this whole ordeal, I've logically known that I have had no right to hold these feelings and years of hurt against this person, that I should instead be praying for them that God would be at work in their life and that things would eventually be resolved in a God-glorifying manner. Instead, I was rejoicing in the fact that for the first time, I felt free from this person and all the fake pretenses and acts that I had to put on with this person just to be around them. Yet throughout all of this, there has been this nagging feeling and question that has been in the back of my mind quite frequently (I think maybe God is trying to tell me something??...hmmm): "What makes you better than them? Don't you do the exact same things to Jesus Christ? Does He treat you the way you're treating this person?".... No! Go away conscience! Let me relish in my feelings!....
Fact of the matter is, emotions and hurt aside, I know that I'm wrong. I know that I've been no better in my thoughts and actions these past several months than the one who has hurt me, at least in this area. I know that logically and especially as a Christ follower, I have no right to be bitter or resentful towards anyone, no matter how much hurt they have caused. The reason for this is because Jesus NEVER has or nor ever will do that to me. No matter how many times I sin against Him, even without apology or with repeat offense, He will not harbor those things against me, when I finally come crawling back. He showed and continues to show me forgiveness. He took the punishment I deserved for my sin on Himself rather than giving it to me. That's what forgiveness is.
It is definitely not going to be easy to fight against these poisonous feelings that are deep seated in my heart and character. Do I want to fight them? No. Do I have to fight them? Yes. Will I like fighting them? Heck no. Will I do it anyways? [Do I have a choice...(of course you do... {now I'm talking to myself...this is obviously a good sign...}] YES AND JOYFULLY, even if not happily.
Joking aside, I don't want to fight them but I know I have to. I know however that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13 and that gives me hope. I'm choosing to do this because I want to obey and glorify my heavenly Father and I hope that through this, my heart will soften and change towards this person.
In writing this post, the following song popped into my head. It's a great song and every time I've heard it, I know that it's exactly what I needed to hear, except the fact that I ignored the message every time because I didn't want to hear it. Naturally. Not this time though...well at least for now.
Forgiveness - Matthew West
"It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve
It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have to say the word...
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'set it free'
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness"
It's funny how a song can seem written just to/for you.
I have more to say on this issue, but I'll leave it for another post. This definitely won't be the last time I talk about this and certainly not the last time I'll struggle with it. But I find that I can gather my thoughts better when I'm able to write them out like this, so perhaps this will be more helpful to me than I originally planned.
Prayers are always appreciated :).
