Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Patience.

They say that patience is a virtue, and in a self-absorbed, prideful, egotistical, feeling high and mighty mindset that I sadly find myself in far too often, you could very likely hear me spouting off why I believe I'm virtuously patient.

L.O.L.

Yeah, sure, I have no trouble being patient for the things in which I have no personal invested interest.  If I'm in line at the grocery store, I honestly couldn't care less about how long I have to wait in line.  Heck, if you wanted to cut in front of me, I'd send you along with my blessing!  If I needed gas and had to wait for other people in front of me, I might be a little worried for fear of running out of gas, but otherwise, I'd be perfectly fine.  Even if I was out clothes shopping and you purchased that last remaining item of clothing that maybe I had my eye one, you know what?  Knock yourself out, I'm sure you'll look great in it!  I can come back some other time and see if they restocked it or find something comparable (ok, this last one is like 50/50...).

Regardless, in trivial matters, (barring situations where I'm in a time crunch or have a deadline to meet), I've got all the time and patience in the world.  As much as I'd like to think, my patience in those situations is not some impressive display of self-control and moral fortitude.  I'm pretty sure most people will agree that it's easy to be patient for things that don't really have an impact on their life.   For things that do though, well that's a whole different story, at least for me anyways.

As I've highlighted before, patience has been something I've struggled with for a while and I'm not proud of it (cats anyone?).   In the past, it wasn't beyond my capabilities to become incredibly moody, sullen, irritable, grumpy, whiny, complainy, manipulative, disgruntled, and even on occasion, angry, because I couldn't get what I wanted when I wanted it, whether due to finances or other outside forces that were beyond my control.   Honestly, it's really embarrassing to admit that, even now, it's still a struggle.  However, by and through God's grace and with the help/encouragement of my loving and understanding husband, I have really been striving to fight against my immediate I-want-it-now desires and to instead practice patience.  Praise and glory to God, I have actually had some successes.  I couldn't do it if I was relying on my own abilities.

Recently, though,  my new-found, fledgeling self-control is being put through its first real test, and it has definitely not been easy.   It's been a genuine struggle to not get frustrated, become moody or irritable, and honestly, to not panic as Jon and I are navigating through a new phase in our life.  Because of continued disappointments and struggles, it's been difficult for me to not freak out about the little things of the process we're going through because I so desperately want things to work out.  It's so hard for me to be patient because I want things to be accomplished as soon as possible so that we can guarantee that we won't have to wait for very long for what we want.  That somehow by getting everything finished quickly, we'll guarantee success, even though logically and rationally speaking, I know that it likely won't have a huge impact one way or the other.  That unfortunately doesn't negate this fear that I have, a fear that if we don't get things done immediately, then things will fall through and we'll be right back at square one.  And that terrifies me.  In so many ways, I feel like time is our enemy.

I've really been struggling with how to deal with this.  The best way I can describe what I'm going through is that I'm desperate.  I'm desperate for this to work out because it's been so hard to wait and watch all this time go by wasted.  I have this feeling that as every second ticks by without action, we're one step closer to failure.  I hate admitting this because I know it makes me look weak and pathetic.  I hate that I struggle with this, and I truly want to fight it, to make it go away, I just don't know how, other than to not think about it.  That doesn't make the desperation and desire go away though.  I need practical steps or tools that can help me get this area of my character under control because, regardless of how it makes me feel, I know that I don't honor God with any of this.  I know that my panic demonstrates a lack of faith and trust in Him, and I hate that that's the truth. 

A good friend shared a great song with me though, that has provided a lot of comfort to me. 

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I know that God is not some giant gift-distributor in the sky and that by no means am I entitled to the things I want.  I know that everything I have been given has been from Him and it was a gift because He loves me (as if I truly needed anything but His gift of salvation and love).  And I also know that the things I desire are not bad things, but they become non-God-honoring when they become my complete and total focus. 

Perhaps I've just answered my own request for practical applications/tools for how to combat my panicked impatience, i.e. focus on Him and His gospel instead of myself...I just LOVE it when I do that....

I think I just need to repeat the following verse in my mind all day, every day to get it through my thick skull: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I'm not sure how to end this blog post, other than to petition for prayer and to say "until next time!"...

If you feel like this post came to a screeching halt (cue tire screeching sound) then you're not alone. I wrote the darn thing and I feel the same way.  Meh, I'll come back to it later and give it a better ending.  Until then, I'll be off working at being patient.   

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Pity Parties NOT allowed....ok....

I'm not big on year-end summaries, mostly because in years past, I've usually had nothing to summarize.  As I mentioned in my last blog post, we're creatures of habit, so versatility/dramatic changes aren't very frequent.

This past year however, a lot has happened.  Without going into tons of detail, there has been a lot that has tested both my faith and character with some successes, but unfortunately more failures.  Emotionally, I had been all over the place and it was enormously challenging to keep a right attitude a lot of the time, especially early on/mid-way through the year.

When it was toughest to deal with our struggle, I would (sadly...) dissolve into woe-is-me, I can't believe I'm dealing with this, does God really think I can handle this because right now I think He way overestimated my abilities, this REALLY REALLY SUCKS, I'm so angry about this, why me, pity parties.  They were as awesome as they sounded.

The person I was during those times was not pretty.  I was so angry, weak (in character), constantly demoralized, miserable to be around, sad, and gave into my sin far more than I ever thought I would and should have.  I was far more concerned about me and what I wasn't getting than really anything else.  Yes, what I was dealing with was difficult (though, I know that there are others struggling far more than me...), but it's in trials that our faith is tested (James 1).  I certainly wasn't passing the test and the trial we found ourselves going through highlighted this glaring weakness in my character and faith.   I realized that I had a lot of growing to do.

Many people are familiar with the first chapter in James, that speaks very clearly on Christians considering trials joy.  Conceptually, I understand exactly what the point was.  It's truly a great verse and one I often looked to in previous struggles.  This time however, it was the last verse I wanted to hear and was very rarely, if ever, effective (that is of course all on me).  More often than not, I would just get frustrated every time I heard it (again, my problem) because, in my completely self-absorbed, angry, woe-is-me state, I didn't think this applied to me, or that it was impossible for me to consider my trial a joy.  And I certainly didn't WANT to consider it joy.  There are a host of character issues in those last two sentences alone, namely my "need" to control, my entitlement mindset, my selfishness, my struggle with idolatry, and several other issues that could easily be covered in each their own blog post.  For now though, I'll stick with the issue at hand, my need to consider my trials a joy.

This past Sunday, 2/3/13, we heard a really great sermon on trials and joy.  Instead of using a good go-to chapter in James, the pastor focused on Paul and his time in prison when he wrote his second letter to Timothy.  I'm really glad we decided to go to church that morning, because I was doing my best to get out of it beforehand.  The only thing that made me go, honestly, was the fact that I told my parents that we were going to go and I didn't want to later lie about it.  Lol, sad but true.  I think the timing of this sermon though, was perfect for me.  The pastor was talking about how throughout Paul's imprisonment, he was always far more concerned about the churches he had ministered to, more concerned about his "spiritual children" (those he had lead to Christ) than he was ever about himself.  Never once was he having a pity party about being in prison.  Not once. Was it easy? Heck no.  From a worldly perspective, he would have had every right to bemoan his circumstances, to lash out, be angry, be depressed, feel sorry for himself, complain.  But he didn't.

Comparing this to my struggle, I just feel silly.  Not so much because of what we're struggling with, but because knowing the magnitude at which he was suffering far exceeds mine, and he was still joyful.  He was joyful because ultimately, his joy was in the Lord, not his circumstances.  And this is where my true struggle originates.  I couldn't be joyful because my ultimate joy at the time rested in myself, my circumstances, and my desires which obviously weren't turning out how I wanted.  I was focused solely on me.  What a shocking revelation, right?  That when things wouldn't work out how I wanted them to, I would automatically delve into a horrible attitude/joyless, spoiled rotten brat mind-set?  I know, I was just as surprised as you...I NEVER would have suspected that....

Anyways, the pastor finished off the sermon by laying out 4 points to help avoid, as he called it, a spiritual pity party - tactics to help avoid being self-focused:
  1. Gratitude for your spiritual heritage 
    1. Who were those who led you to Christ?  Family? Friend? Church? Demonstrate your gratitude to them.  If not for them, we likely wouldn't know about what Jesus did for us on the Cross. 
    2. On the flip side, what spiritual DNA are we laying down?  Who are we ministering to?
  2. Commitment to affirm others.
    1. The strongest temptation when having a pity party is to focus on ourselves.  To avoid this, think of others.  Thank God for them and their role in your life, much like Paul did with Timothy in 2 Tim 1:5 "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also."
    2. Who are we thankful for?  Who are we thanking God for?
    3. Are we strengthening others around us?  Are we affirming God-given gifts that we see in others? 
  3. Consistent Intercessory prayer
    1. Praying for OTHERS. 2 Tim 1:3 " I thank God, whom I serve, as my ancestors did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers."
    2. This was something that Paul regularly did - he was constantly praying for others around him, for people he had encountered throughout his ministry.
  4. Daily dependence on the Holy Spirit
    1. Verse 7 "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
    2. He is the One who strengthens our spirit 
    3. Where do you go when you know you need resources beyond the resources that you have?  Our own competence isn't going to cut it.  That's where the Holy Spirit comes in - our God has not given us a spirit of timidity.  We can't hide from our problems.  We have been given supernatural ability in the Holy Spirit.  "The problem before us is never as great as the power within us"
When he laid these out, I was so encouraged because I felt as if I finally had practical tools to implement when I found myself delving into a joyless, self-absorbed, pity party/mindset.  These are also going to be very helpful in maintaining joy regardless of how things turn out.  It's a struggle, sometimes impossible to be joyful when I'm focused entirely on myself and what is affecting me at any given time.  I hope that by practicing and implementing these tactics, I'll finally start to change and not focus on myself.

The pastor also challenged us to read the book of 2 Timothy 3 times this week.  For the first time in a while, I was excited to begin quiet times again.   For so long, I've felt like I was just wandering through it, just doing it to get it done. After a while, I actually just stopped doing it all together because I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it.  But now, I have a goal and a basic understanding of what it is I need to learn from this book.  I'm excited to see where I go from here.

That's all for now.  More to come in the future. Hopefully I'll have exciting updates to pontificate on in the near future :).