Patience.

They say that patience is a virtue, and in a self-absorbed, prideful, egotistical, feeling high and mighty mindset that I sadly find myself in far too often, you could very likely hear me spouting off why I believe I'm virtuously patient.

L.O.L.

Yeah, sure, I have no trouble being patient for the things in which I have no personal invested interest.  If I'm in line at the grocery store, I honestly couldn't care less about how long I have to wait in line.  Heck, if you wanted to cut in front of me, I'd send you along with my blessing!  If I needed gas and had to wait for other people in front of me, I might be a little worried for fear of running out of gas, but otherwise, I'd be perfectly fine.  Even if I was out clothes shopping and you purchased that last remaining item of clothing that maybe I had my eye one, you know what?  Knock yourself out, I'm sure you'll look great in it!  I can come back some other time and see if they restocked it or find something comparable (ok, this last one is like 50/50...).

Regardless, in trivial matters, (barring situations where I'm in a time crunch or have a deadline to meet), I've got all the time and patience in the world.  As much as I'd like to think, my patience in those situations is not some impressive display of self-control and moral fortitude.  I'm pretty sure most people will agree that it's easy to be patient for things that don't really have an impact on their life.   For things that do though, well that's a whole different story, at least for me anyways.

As I've highlighted before, patience has been something I've struggled with for a while and I'm not proud of it (cats anyone?).   In the past, it wasn't beyond my capabilities to become incredibly moody, sullen, irritable, grumpy, whiny, complainy, manipulative, disgruntled, and even on occasion, angry, because I couldn't get what I wanted when I wanted it, whether due to finances or other outside forces that were beyond my control.   Honestly, it's really embarrassing to admit that, even now, it's still a struggle.  However, by and through God's grace and with the help/encouragement of my loving and understanding husband, I have really been striving to fight against my immediate I-want-it-now desires and to instead practice patience.  Praise and glory to God, I have actually had some successes.  I couldn't do it if I was relying on my own abilities.

Recently, though,  my new-found, fledgeling self-control is being put through its first real test, and it has definitely not been easy.   It's been a genuine struggle to not get frustrated, become moody or irritable, and honestly, to not panic as Jon and I are navigating through a new phase in our life.  Because of continued disappointments and struggles, it's been difficult for me to not freak out about the little things of the process we're going through because I so desperately want things to work out.  It's so hard for me to be patient because I want things to be accomplished as soon as possible so that we can guarantee that we won't have to wait for very long for what we want.  That somehow by getting everything finished quickly, we'll guarantee success, even though logically and rationally speaking, I know that it likely won't have a huge impact one way or the other.  That unfortunately doesn't negate this fear that I have, a fear that if we don't get things done immediately, then things will fall through and we'll be right back at square one.  And that terrifies me.  In so many ways, I feel like time is our enemy.

I've really been struggling with how to deal with this.  The best way I can describe what I'm going through is that I'm desperate.  I'm desperate for this to work out because it's been so hard to wait and watch all this time go by wasted.  I have this feeling that as every second ticks by without action, we're one step closer to failure.  I hate admitting this because I know it makes me look weak and pathetic.  I hate that I struggle with this, and I truly want to fight it, to make it go away, I just don't know how, other than to not think about it.  That doesn't make the desperation and desire go away though.  I need practical steps or tools that can help me get this area of my character under control because, regardless of how it makes me feel, I know that I don't honor God with any of this.  I know that my panic demonstrates a lack of faith and trust in Him, and I hate that that's the truth. 

A good friend shared a great song with me though, that has provided a lot of comfort to me. 

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I know that God is not some giant gift-distributor in the sky and that by no means am I entitled to the things I want.  I know that everything I have been given has been from Him and it was a gift because He loves me (as if I truly needed anything but His gift of salvation and love).  And I also know that the things I desire are not bad things, but they become non-God-honoring when they become my complete and total focus. 

Perhaps I've just answered my own request for practical applications/tools for how to combat my panicked impatience, i.e. focus on Him and His gospel instead of myself...I just LOVE it when I do that....

I think I just need to repeat the following verse in my mind all day, every day to get it through my thick skull: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I'm not sure how to end this blog post, other than to petition for prayer and to say "until next time!"...

If you feel like this post came to a screeching halt (cue tire screeching sound) then you're not alone. I wrote the darn thing and I feel the same way.  Meh, I'll come back to it later and give it a better ending.  Until then, I'll be off working at being patient.