Aiming For Strength

For roughly the past 2 years, as we've been struggling with our infertility issues, one thing that really stood out to me as I looked back over this time period was how I handled myself in the midst of a struggle.  Unfortunately, I'm not proud of what I saw.  When I was at my lowest, it was so easy for me to be angry at God for the situation we were in and the pain, heartache and disappointment I was dealing with.  I would doubt, I would wallow, I would be utterly miserable around other people and constantly bemoan our struggle.  I panicked, I feared, and I refused to even consider being joyful because I was so distraught over not yet receiving a child that I so desperately wanted.

My attitude has changed a lot since then and a lot of that has to do with the fact that we found hope, in the form of adoption.  During this time of calm and even measured hope, I was really able to reflect back on how I handled myself when I was confronted with a challenge, and I am so embarrassed, and truly ashamed, especially before my Heavenly Father for how weak and selfish I was.  I'm not negating the fact that it was and still is at times hard and I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel disappointment, heartache, sadness, pain, etc at our unfulfilled hopes.  But what is wrong is to allow those feelings to entirely dictate my life, to allow them to impact my attitude, my husband, my family, to be wholly miserable to be around, and to be so totally inconsolable that I nearly pushed people away.  What was even more wrong was the fact that I doubted God, that I questioned Him and why we were put in this position, and that I outright refused to consider it joy when I faced this trial, and that right there is where I sinned.

Unfortunately, when adoption became an option for us, my entire outlook on life shifted.  I essentially found a way to relieve my suffering, rather than choosing to honor my God and choose to be joyful, regardless of my struggle.  I was like a spoiled brat who whined, cried, stomped their feet, and threw enough tantrums to finally get their way.  And it's true.  That's exactly why my outlook changed.  Not because I chose to obey His commands in scripture, but because I found a way to relieve my suffering.

That's not to say by any means that adoption was our option of last resort, because it wasn't.  I talk about our reasons for adoption here.  We always planned to adopt, it just so happened that it was occurring in a different order than we had originally anticipated, but I'm happy with that now.  However, the honeymoon phase of the adoption process has waned quite a bit, almost 11 months in.  And I can't help but feel like we're entering another time of waiting, and all I can think about doing is panicking and slipping right back into the mentality and person I was when all this began.

We've not been moving through the process as fast as I thought we would, and there's no telling how long it will continue to take, and unfortunately for Jon and I, deadlines are beginning to loom.  If everything goes according to plan, Jon and I will be leaving Oklahoma in the late summer of 2015 to wherever he gets a teaching job.  As part of the adoption process, children we are matched with (no telling how long even that can take) would have to live with us for at least 6 months before any legal action can take place, and that's assuming we go through all the pre-placement steps quickly.  Even after that, there's no telling how long the legal aspect can take.  So now, I'm beginning to fear that we might not get to adopt after all, and that terrifies me.  When we move, we would have to start all over again in whatever new state we ended up in, and who knows how long the process is there?

While it's temping to dive headfirst into the same mentality I had over a year ago, I'm really striving to fight it this time around.  Not because it's easy, or because I'm some super holy person, because I'm not.  It is SO hard to be joyful in the midst of heartache and disappointment.  I'm weak, prone to colossal failure, prone to emotional breakdowns (really just inconsolable sob fests...it's embarrassing and quite unsightly...I'm not a pretty crier either).

Pretty crier.

Being strong in situations like this is not my forte, but that doesn't make it right or that I shouldn't try to fix that.  We're given clear commands in scripture on how were to handle trials, several of the verses I've mentioned in other posts, but my favorite recently has been 1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus".  Additionally, a verse I learned shortly after that has really proven to be helpful is James 1:22 "Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what is says!".  So when I'm faced with moments when I want to fall apart, these are going to be the verses I cling to, to help me be joyful when I want to be angry, to help me trust when I want to doubt, to help me keep a right attitude, when I want to quit.

I'm going to fail at times, I can already guarantee that, but I don't want to look back on this time and be ashamed.  I want to be like people in the Bible who kept their gaze heavenward when they faced persecution.  I want to be like people I've read news articles and blogs about who have faced unimaginable suffering, far greater than anything I've encountered, and who still, in spite of their struggle, continue to rejoice in the goodness and greatness of our Father, who continue to trust and hope in Him, whose faith is strengthened and not weakened even when the outlook is bleak.  I want to be a warrior in the face of trials.  And so this is my pledge to not allow my circumstances dictate my life and instead, to allow prayer, scripture, faith, hope and trust in Jesus to dictate it instead.  

I'm aiming to be strong, for once.

Me, me, me, God, me, me...oh wait....

Before I begin, I want to make one thing very clear: this isn't a sob story about how I'm a victim or how my current insecurity is a result of people being mean to me.  No, this is entirely about coming clean on a glaring area of sin in my life.
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I am incredibly and insufferably self-conscious.  I constantly scrutinize everything I do when interacting with people and/or cyberspace.  Questions of "How does this make me look?" or "Will saying this make me look stupid?" are, unfortunately, never far from my mind.  It's shameful.

What's sad, is that I've been like this most of my life.

I didn't have a lot of friends growing up.  I often lamented this fact to my Dad, who proceed to tell me that I have my sister (whom I later came to greatly appreciate) and that I'd meet my life-long friends in college.  I was rarely appeased.

Through a desire to have immediate gratification, I tried to pursue this one group of people in hopes of filling a void I thought I had.  Unfortunately, no matter how long, hard or how often I initiated with them, it was never reciprocated.  No friendships were formed and as a result, I became very introspective and self-conscious.  From then on, I've operated from a very selfish, appearance motivated, people pleasing mindset.

As a Christ-follower, this is the last thing I should be doing.  Instead of living a life devoted to glorifying God and dwelling in His love and mercy, I'm searching for people's acceptance.  When I feel like I'm not being accepted by people (i.e. them not reaching out to me, wanting to be the best of friends forever and ever), I berate myself, viewing it as "somethings wrong with me".  My "self-consciousness" ultimately becomes a pity party for me, myself, and I.  I'm being incredibly selfish and sinning in a big way.  My insecurity demonstrates an utter lack of contentment in what God has given me.  Even worse, I'm placing far more importance upon people's opinions, rather than God..

Jesus Christ didn't hang, suffer, and die on the Cross so that I can live a life spent worrying about MYSELF.  He died so that I could be covered in HIS Righteousness, so that when I stand before God, He won't even see ME - He will see Christ's Righteousness.  And here I am trying to be cool.  Geez.

I don't want to be the person that I am now.  I want to be completely consumed by Christ and a desire to bring Him glory, honor, and praise.  I want my identity to be solely found in Him.  I just don't know how to not care about what people think of me.  The only thing I can do is pray and ask that God help me overcome this area of sin in my life, and solicit the prayers of fellow believers.