Aiming For Strength

For roughly the past 2 years, as we've been struggling with our infertility issues, one thing that really stood out to me as I looked back over this time period was how I handled myself in the midst of a struggle.  Unfortunately, I'm not proud of what I saw.  When I was at my lowest, it was so easy for me to be angry at God for the situation we were in and the pain, heartache and disappointment I was dealing with.  I would doubt, I would wallow, I would be utterly miserable around other people and constantly bemoan our struggle.  I panicked, I feared, and I refused to even consider being joyful because I was so distraught over not yet receiving a child that I so desperately wanted.

My attitude has changed a lot since then and a lot of that has to do with the fact that we found hope, in the form of adoption.  During this time of calm and even measured hope, I was really able to reflect back on how I handled myself when I was confronted with a challenge, and I am so embarrassed, and truly ashamed, especially before my Heavenly Father for how weak and selfish I was.  I'm not negating the fact that it was and still is at times hard and I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel disappointment, heartache, sadness, pain, etc at our unfulfilled hopes.  But what is wrong is to allow those feelings to entirely dictate my life, to allow them to impact my attitude, my husband, my family, to be wholly miserable to be around, and to be so totally inconsolable that I nearly pushed people away.  What was even more wrong was the fact that I doubted God, that I questioned Him and why we were put in this position, and that I outright refused to consider it joy when I faced this trial, and that right there is where I sinned.

Unfortunately, when adoption became an option for us, my entire outlook on life shifted.  I essentially found a way to relieve my suffering, rather than choosing to honor my God and choose to be joyful, regardless of my struggle.  I was like a spoiled brat who whined, cried, stomped their feet, and threw enough tantrums to finally get their way.  And it's true.  That's exactly why my outlook changed.  Not because I chose to obey His commands in scripture, but because I found a way to relieve my suffering.

That's not to say by any means that adoption was our option of last resort, because it wasn't.  I talk about our reasons for adoption here.  We always planned to adopt, it just so happened that it was occurring in a different order than we had originally anticipated, but I'm happy with that now.  However, the honeymoon phase of the adoption process has waned quite a bit, almost 11 months in.  And I can't help but feel like we're entering another time of waiting, and all I can think about doing is panicking and slipping right back into the mentality and person I was when all this began.

We've not been moving through the process as fast as I thought we would, and there's no telling how long it will continue to take, and unfortunately for Jon and I, deadlines are beginning to loom.  If everything goes according to plan, Jon and I will be leaving Oklahoma in the late summer of 2015 to wherever he gets a teaching job.  As part of the adoption process, children we are matched with (no telling how long even that can take) would have to live with us for at least 6 months before any legal action can take place, and that's assuming we go through all the pre-placement steps quickly.  Even after that, there's no telling how long the legal aspect can take.  So now, I'm beginning to fear that we might not get to adopt after all, and that terrifies me.  When we move, we would have to start all over again in whatever new state we ended up in, and who knows how long the process is there?

While it's temping to dive headfirst into the same mentality I had over a year ago, I'm really striving to fight it this time around.  Not because it's easy, or because I'm some super holy person, because I'm not.  It is SO hard to be joyful in the midst of heartache and disappointment.  I'm weak, prone to colossal failure, prone to emotional breakdowns (really just inconsolable sob fests...it's embarrassing and quite unsightly...I'm not a pretty crier either).

Pretty crier.

Being strong in situations like this is not my forte, but that doesn't make it right or that I shouldn't try to fix that.  We're given clear commands in scripture on how were to handle trials, several of the verses I've mentioned in other posts, but my favorite recently has been 1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus".  Additionally, a verse I learned shortly after that has really proven to be helpful is James 1:22 "Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what is says!".  So when I'm faced with moments when I want to fall apart, these are going to be the verses I cling to, to help me be joyful when I want to be angry, to help me trust when I want to doubt, to help me keep a right attitude, when I want to quit.

I'm going to fail at times, I can already guarantee that, but I don't want to look back on this time and be ashamed.  I want to be like people in the Bible who kept their gaze heavenward when they faced persecution.  I want to be like people I've read news articles and blogs about who have faced unimaginable suffering, far greater than anything I've encountered, and who still, in spite of their struggle, continue to rejoice in the goodness and greatness of our Father, who continue to trust and hope in Him, whose faith is strengthened and not weakened even when the outlook is bleak.  I want to be a warrior in the face of trials.  And so this is my pledge to not allow my circumstances dictate my life and instead, to allow prayer, scripture, faith, hope and trust in Jesus to dictate it instead.  

I'm aiming to be strong, for once.

Updates for the day

1) I've decided that my life goal is to meet Peyton Manning.  And to thank him for being so classy and humble in spite of his incredible talent and notoriety.  And for routinely kicking people's butt in football.  And for just being so ridiculously awesome.

2) We continue to wait on word with regards to adoption.  Our profile was submitted for consideration for a few kids this month, but it could still be a while till we hear anything, if anything at all.  I do know that our profile will continue to be submitted each month until our home-study/profile is selected and we move forward in the process.  Should be interesting.  Patience is a virtue they say.  I'm working on being virtuous.... ;-)

3) Jon takes comps in October.  Please be praying for him.  I know he'll do great, because he's so intelligent, but there's always a measure of nerves when you're prepping for a really big exam.  So if you happen to think of him on occasion, I know he'd appreciate the prayers.

4) We're also prepping to run another 5K then a 10K in October.  We'll graduate to a half after that probably, depending on timing.  I hope to have our end goal be a marathon.  It's not an easy goal to reach, but I know it'll be worth it to say that we ran a marathon if we make it to that point.  We've got a ways to go, but it feels good to be running consistently again. 

That's pretty much it.

Sometimes it's just tough

There are many verses in the Bible that explain, and even strongly encourage us, on how we should handle struggles or trials.  They're there for a reason, and that's because we live in a sin-laden world and every person will encounter some form of challenge in their life.  Christians are not immune to this either, even though many people like to think otherwise.  But what we have that the world doesn't, is hope.  We have Jesus Christ Who has gone before us and Who will never leave or forsake us.  And we have the Bible that has numerous teachings on how to handle trials, and encouragement for when we're struggling.

I'm grateful that we have so many verses that explain how we should handle trials.  It's so easy to fall prey to our emotions and allow them to dictate how we behave when we encounter struggles, but in doing that, we're not helping ourselves.  No amount of sobbing, anger, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, etc. will fix the situation we're in.  That's why it's so great to have clear descriptions of what we should do in the midst of a struggle, like in James chapter 1 where we're told to consider trials a joy, or in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, where we're to give thanks in all circumstances (yes, ALL, even the bad).   Even look to Job, who has his entire life torn apart, but he held fast.  What an incredible standard he set for us Christians.  One that many people, self included, have often fallen short of.

That said, it doesn't mean they eliminate the pain and the hurt we feel in those times.  As I've mentioned before, Jon and I have been dealing with our own struggle lately, me more than him, but that's understandable.  For almost 2 years now, we've been trying to have kids, with no success.  We've been immensely fortunate that we've found alternative methods for bringing kids into our family through adoption here in OK, but we're in the thick of the waiting game now.  And I can't lie, it's been hard.

As each month passes with no updates regarding adoption, and certainly no pregnancy, it's tough to fight the emotions of disappointment, sadness, frustration and fear.  I know that adoption will eventually work out (though, I wish it would go a little faster...), and I can't wait till we're able to be mom and dad to a little one who needs a loving family to love and take care of them.  And as I've said before, to us, there is absolutely NO difference between an adoptive and biological child.  But that doesn't mean that I don't want to have a baby.   I really do.  And that's something I still struggle with, even though we're pursuing adoption.

With all the new pregnancy announcements I've been seeing lately, I can't help but think of when will it be my turn, if ever?  Seeing people talk about their experiences, their "firsts", it's hard to fight the questions of "will I ever?".  Will I ever get to announce "I'm pregnant!" to anyone?  Will I ever get to go have a sonogram and see my little one's body starting to take form?  Will I ever get to hear their little heart beat?  Will I ever get to feel them kick?  Will I ever get to go through all the joys and challenges of pregnancy?  Will I ever get to experience those first moments when my child takes their first few breaths in this world?  To hold them right after they're born, to cherish them, to hear their first cries, to hold their tiny little hands and feet?  Will I ever get to figure out who they look like more?  Will I ever get to pick their name?

These have been the questions that have been on my mind a lot lately, and it's been tough to fight the insecurity and fear that I feel when I try to envision my future and see no resolution to them.  But thank the Lord for Jesus Christ and His Word.  By God's grace and that alone, it's been a lot easier to be patient, to trust, and wait on His timing, than it was when we first started trying for kids.  It's still difficult to be patient and fight the urge to freak out on occasion, but He has been working in my life in big ways, especially when it comes to finding peace and trusting in Him.  The hurt and struggle is still there, and will be I think for a while, but I'm grateful that they don't control my life.  I'm glad too that even in times when I stumble and find myself floundering in the midst of fear, disappointment, frustration, He doesn't abandon me.  That's something I'm thankful every day for.  He is an incredible and loving Father. 

Give thanks

 "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thessalonians 5:18

Lord, since memorizing this verse, it has popped up into my head quite frequently, particularly at times when I've been struggling with something.  It would pop up and even though I hoped I'd receive some sort of comfort or solution to my problem, I never felt any better about my circumstances.  I realized that this was because I wasn't actually doing what your word was telling me to do.  I wasn't "giving thanks".  I was merely repeating a verse to myself.  I want to change that Lord, so here I am, intending to write down to you what I'm thankful to you for.

Lord, thank you for the trials that you've put me through.  I have had a very easy life, and even in spite of the struggles, Lord you have protected me from far greater trials.  I find myself right now in a situation I never anticipated, but it has been teaching me a great deal about myself, my character, and my faith.  Lord, it's been so challenging but thank you so much for this struggle.  Thank you that it has opened my eyes to see how utterly weak I have been, to see how completely dependent I need to be on You.  I have tried to handle this on my own, perhaps with a few scattered prayers skyward for relief, and it has left me feeling empty, heartbroken, and longing for a comfort I could not hope to give myself.  God, you have been using this to refine me.  To mold me to your Person in ways I could have never dreamed possible on my own.  It has been so hard Lord, and the sense of longing and loss I feel is still so present, but you are strengthening me.  You are helping me to rely on you and not myself.  You are helping me to be patient, to wait, and to trust that you work all things to the good of those who love you. 

Lord, I want to be dependent.  I want to have the faith of a mustard seed.  I want to be a woman who always strives to seek and be near you always.  I want people to see you and not me.  I want to be like you Jesus.  Thank you for using this struggle in my life to help me see and fix the things in my life that have prevented me from doing so.

Thank you also God for our ability to pursue adoption.  Thank you that there is another way for us to bring children into our family.  Thank you that we have the finances, the house, the family, and the love to bring in a child or children who so desperately want what Jon and I had, the incredible blessing of a loving family.  Thank you that you will be with and help us become Godly parents to the little ones who will someday be ours.

Thank you for your provision in our lives.  We take so many things for granted and yet you still continue to bless us.  Thank you that we have such easy access to food, water and shelter.  Thank you for the fact that we have a car, we have electricity, we have clothes on our back.  Thank you that we live where we live.  Thank you for my job that has enabled us to pay off debt, put Jon through school, and help us be able to pursue adoption.

Thank you for my family.  Thank you so much that they live close and that we get to see them on a regular basis.  Thank you for the deep love we have for each other.  Thank you for my extended family too.  Lord, even though distance separates us, thank you that technology exists for us to "see" each other on a frequent basis.  Thank you for their role in our lives.  Thank you for the constant love and care they show us.

Thank you for my husband.  Thank you for his tender love and care for me when my heart has been heaviest.  Thank you for his leadership.  Thank you for his intelligence that has enabled him to pursue a teaching career that will provide for us.  Thank you for his strength, especially when I've been weak.  Thank you that he strives to love, follow and obey you.  Thank you for giving me my best friend.

Thank you for my health.  Thank you that I'm alive for another day.  How easily and quickly things could end Lord, but here I am for another day.  Please help me never take this for granted.

Thank you Lord, most of all, for saving me.  You are wholly innocent and perfect, yet you condescended from your heavenly throne to die on a Cross and bear the punishment that I deserved.  You had every right to destroy me, to send me to hell where I rightfully belong.  You had every right to abandon me to my sin and punishment.  But unfathomably Lord, you didn't.  Instead, you loved me.  You loved me past comprehension.  You loved me enough to die on that Cross in my place.  You took what I deserved on yourself and that is something I can never even hope to repay.   If I dedicated every second of my life, for the rest of my life, to thanking you, it would still never be enough.  But my God, thank you.   Thank you, thank you, thank you.  You saved me because you loved me, and that is something I pray I never get over. 

Thank you Lord for You.  Thank you.

The long and winding road

There's been a bit of a lull here in the Moore household as of late, hence the lack of posting.

However, there is one little thing that we've been working on for roughly 6-8 months that I can now sort of report on, and that is that we have been going through the Oklahoma Department of Human Services (OKDHS) adoption process.  While there hasn't been much to update on with this over the past several months, largely because it's all paperwork and waiting, we finally received word that we have been confirmed as adoptive parents, or as they call it, Bridge Resource Parents.  So, translation - we're planning to adopt!

Here's a little history:

Towards the end of 2011, Jon and I had decided that we were ready to start a family.  We were in a great financial situation, largely due to the help of very generous and gracious family, and work and life were going great.  We were ready!  We officially began trying in Jan 2012.  We were both so excited and honestly thought that we'd have no trouble in this area.  As the months continued on however, that belief quickly diminished.  Skip ahead a very long, challenging, and sad 18 months, and we're in the same situation we were to begin with: childless.

When we reached the year mark, we decided to seek out medical help, as well as pursue adoption. With regards to the medical aspect, we ran the gamut of initial tests to see if there were any obvious issues going on, all of which came back negative.  Talk about frustrating.  On one hand, you're glad that nothing is horribly wrong with you, but then on the other, you're no closer to getting answers.  We're still working through this process, but I'm not really focused on it, so I'm reserving thought/hope/optimism for the time being with regards to all of it.  It's all in God's very capable hands and that's where I'll leave it.

With regards to adoption, we decided, after a lot of prayer and discussion, to pursue this method of bringing children into our lives.

I know people will think that perhaps we're jumping the gun too quickly, that we just need to be patient and see where the medical route takes us.  However, what people don't know about us is that adoption was ALWAYS going to be in our future.  Even before we got engaged, Jon and I had both agreed that we were going to adopt at some point in our life.  Sure, in our ideal plans, we would have had a child or two, gained some parenting experience, then added to our family through adoption.  But things haven't worked out that way, and honestly, I'm now OK with that.

I posted a blog few months ago about Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose", and how for the longest time, I couldn't envision how our struggle with infertility could have been used to my good.  Being several months removed from one of the toughest times in my life, I see how immensely arrogant, prideful, foolish, and silly I was to think that God couldn't trump my plans.  Seriously, I can be so utterly self-absorbed sometimes.

If we adopt and bring these little lives into our family, we're going to have one of the greatest opportunities a believer can have, and that's to share the Gospel and introduce someone to the INCREDIBLE Person of Jesus Christ.  We're going to show these little ones how MUCH He loves and cherishes them.  They're going to have parents who will love them unconditionally, who will be there for and take care of them, support them, and do whatever they can to give them a better life than they've already known.  I know that it's not going to be easy, to walk this path that we're on.  I know that the lives these children have had have been immensely difficult and that that will have a deep impact on them, but love is powerful.  Yes, at times it will be really difficult, especially to Jon and I who don't have any parenting experience, but we have wonderful families and friends who will come alongside us and help/support us.  And you know, there's something to be said for being selfless, and sacrificing one's own comfort for the benefit of someone else.  Adoption will stretch us, challenge us, and it's scary and nerve-wracking to think that we'll be entrusted with these little lives, to love, protect, lead, care for, etc., but it is absolutely worth it.  In a small, human way, we have the chance to mirror what Jesus Christ did, in adopting us as His children. 

So that's basically where things are at with us.  Some exciting things could be happening in the next couple months.  Soon, our profile will be viewed by case-workers of children and if there is a match, then we'll be meeting the kids and going from there.  It's going to be an exciting and nerve-wracking journey, but it is absolutely worth it.  

Oh yeah, one more update, Jon will be taking his comprehensive exams in the Fall, and when he's done with those and passes the oral part of it, he'll have completed his Masters, essentially, and will be considered ABD (All but dissertation).  Hello 2014 job market!  Things are about to get busy folks. 

Till I write again, peace out.

My top 10, sort of... :)

This blog has been a bit weighty lately, so I decided to write a happy, lighthearted post about the awesome guy I get to spend the rest of my life with. 

I figured that the best (and easiest...) way to do this was to list the top 10 things I love about him and what make him so awesome.  So here goes.

1. He loves Jesus and constantly strives to love, obey, honor, glorify Him and is always trying to become more Christ like.  He strives to have a regular quiet time and also strives to encourage me in mine.  He's such a godly leader an I'm the luckiest to have him as mine. :)
2. He is incredibly funny and makes me laugh like no one else.  Whether he's intentionally trying to make me laugh, being cheesy/ridiculous, driving absentmindedly,(i.e.sometimes when we've needed to go someplace, he's driven to one location, out of habit, until he realizes that we actually need to be at a completely different place), or what have you, there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't crack me up in some form or another.
3. He takes care of me.  When I'm sick, tired, or just trying to accomplish things throughout the day, he's always there to help me with anything I might need.  If I need something up high, all I have to do is call my wonderfully tall husband and he's there to help me grab the item I need that is out of reach.  He also won't let me carry things when we're leaving the grocery store, or any store for that matter.  This makes me laugh a lot because he often accuses me of trying to diminish his manliness when I try to take any bag.  LOL.
4. He kills spiders and other large bugs in the house.  He's super manly.
5. He helps me keep the house clean and orderly, often times without my help.  Since I work full time, often I don't have the energy or motivation to clean up the house when I get home, but on many occasions, my wonderful, servant-hearted husband has already done all the work by the time I get home.  He's amazing.
6. He's encouraging and supportive.  When I'm bothered by something about myself or a situation I'm in, he constantly encourages me, supports me, tries to help in any way he can, and helps me to right my thinking about whatever I'm dealing with. 
7. He's so gracious and forgiving.  No matter how many times I've sinned against him, he is always so quick to extend forgiveness when I've sought it.  Afterwards, we go right back to where we were before, as though nothing happened.
8. He's so loving and kind.  There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me he loves me, hug or kiss me.  There also isn't a day that goes by that we don't spend a good deal of time together, either reading, watching a show, talking, playing a game, exercising, etc.  He's almost always around (excluding when he and I are at work or he's in class) and I absolutely LOVE that.
9. He is so stinkin smart, like seriously.  He graduated undergrad with honors and probably higher awards too (I have a terrible memory and it was almost 4 years ago) and now he's in his 3rd year of grad school pursuing his PhD in Political Science and he makes it look as easy as, I don't know, riding a bike or brushing his teeth, or something.  It's ridiculous.  He is so incredibly intelligent and he makes it look effortless.  It truly is incredible to watch someone pursue something that you know God created and gifted them to do.  I have loved every minute of watching him go through this program and watching him excel and impress his professors and expand his knowledge to limits I can only dream of achieving.  It truly is a joy to be with him as he goes through this.
10. He's wise and smart with money.  This is one of the things I most appreciate about him because it means I never have to worry about whether we have enough money to do something or not.  He sets a perfect budget for us to ensure that we're not spending beyond our means, and that we're wisely tackling what debt we have left.  
11. He's an incredibly diligent and hard worker.  No matter how many tasks he might have to complete, whether for school or work, there is never one second of worry that he won't accomplish everything he needs to when he needs to.  He knows that there is a time for relaxation and a time for hard work and he balances them perfectly.  This is one of the many reasons he excels in school and work.
12. He's romantic.  Whether its little gifts like movies or other items that I have wanted, buying me flowers, or planning awesome date days like re-living college for an afternoon, he's often finding ways to show how much he loves me.  And boy does this girl feel loved. 
13. He comes from a crazy awesome family.  I've been so fortunate to marry into the Moore family and to gain 5 more siblings and 2 more parents.  They're kind, generous, fun and have great senses of humor.  Seriously, they're awesome. 
14. He's really, super attractive.  Like, seriously.
15. He doesn't stress easily.  In the past, when I encountered stress, I usually freaked out, panicked, got upset, nervous, etc.  With him, I rarely stress out about things now, because he doesn't.  He almost always remains calm, ensures me that everything will alright and that what needs to be accomplished, addressed, etc. be taken care of.  He's so calm and in control and it's rubbed off on me over our 5 years of being together.  So now, instead of freaking out, more often than not, I respond to those types of situations like he does.  It's wonderful not being stressed.
16. He's a great brother-in-law.  My siblings absolutely adore him and in so many ways, he's the older brother they never had.  He's always willing to help them out with stuff when they need it, whether it's related to school, personal stuff, games, goals, etc.  He has had a huge impact on them and I know they love him a lot.
17. He's my best friend.  There is no one I want to spend more time with than Jon.  He is my confidant, biggest supporter, the person I rely on most, the person who makes me laugh most, the one who makes me feel cherished and loved, makes me feel safe and protected, and the person I have the most fun with.  He's my exercise partner, challenges me, helps me achieve my goals, and he's my toughest competitor when we do anything remotely competitive, which, with me, is almost anything (and sadly I'm usually the loser...).  He's everything I hoped I would find in a husband and more.

Ok, that was top 17, but honestly, I could have kept going to who knows what number.  Point is, I'm one incredibly lucky girl to have such a great man to be my husband. 

I love you bebe - thanks for picking me to be your wife.  Everyday with you is truly a blessing and I'm so grateful that God brought us together.

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

For roughly the last few months, perhaps longer, I've been seeing this verse pop up a LOT.  Whether I was reading a book, a blog, a facebook post, hearing it on the radio, hearing it in a sermon, or having it just pop into my head at random times throughout the week.  It's been everywhere.  


I couldn't tell you one way or another if God actively intervenes in our lives today.  The best way I've been able to answer questions of this nature is to say that He can do anything He wants.  I'm sure that there are times He does intervene and then there are other times when certain things can be chalked up to coincidence and/or misinterpretation.  I'm inclined to say that the latter is probably far more frequent though. That said, I can't help feeling that in seeing this verse so frequently lately, that perhaps the Lord is trying to catch my attention, to try and help me learn something. Which brings me to Romans 8:28.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..."   Having seen and read this verse numerous times over the past several months, I have been contemplating what it means and what it means to me directly.   I'm no theologian or scholar, so please don't jump down my throat if I don't interpret this correctly. ;-)

In the moments when I was struggling the most, I would read this verse and try to interpret it to mean the "good" that I had in mind for myself.  My "good" was what I wanted, when I wanted it.  My idea of "good" would have been the end of my struggle and to experience the subsequent joy and happiness in finally receiving the desires of my heart.  In an attempt to try and make this scenario happen, I would try to change my attitude and think differently (as if God couldn't tell what I was doing...). When my idea of "good" didn't happen, I would fall right back into frustration and anger.  For far too long, I outright refused to envision a different "good" because I was too focused on myself and my unmet expectations.  

Time has a way of wearing one down though, and soon I went from anger to apathy and apathy to acceptance.  In trying to learn to accept and be content with where we're at, I have seen this verse more and more.  This in turn has prompted me to really evaluate what Paul is saying when "...we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him...".  

He works all things for the good of those who love Him.  I can tell you (most ashamedly) that through my attempts to orchestrate my "good" and this whole ordeal itself, loving Jesus was very far down the list.  I was too in love with myself, too focused on me and my suffering to think about anything else.  And sadly, my lack of love for Him was intentional.  Because I believed that in choosing to love Him instead of me, I would have to give up what I wanted.  And I didn't want to do that.  The hurt and the fear of doing that, of potentially facing a undefinable time when I would have to wait for my hopes to come to fruition was terrifying to me.  I didn't want to do it.  

Things now are different however.  I think I've finally come to understand what this "good" is, at least to me.  I think by "good", in part, he means a "good" that we can't see in the midst of our struggle.  That despite what we're suffering, His end goal will be far better than what we had in mind for ourselves.  Which makes sense, obviously, you know, Him being the Creator of the universe and all, and knowing us better than we know ourselves and what would be the ultimate best for us.  

I think by "good", he also means that our biggest weaknesses will be highlighted and challenged in the face of difficulties.   This of course is a very GOOD thing because it's these weaknesses that prevent us from becoming more like Jesus Christ.  They're the things that prove to be the biggest stumbling blocks in our faith.  If we're able to see these weaknesses, we're able to eradicate them.  If we're able to eradicate them, then we're able to be molded further to the image Jesus Christ.  That's why it's a GOOD thing to experience difficult times, because it gives us the opportunity to examine our heart and character and to correct them when necessary.  Because the end result of fixing our character will be GOOD because we will be one step closer to being like Jesus Christ. 

Difficult experiences are also GOOD  because they test our faith.  This is why James said in chapter one that we're to consider it a JOY when we face trials because the testing of our faith develops perseverance (Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4).   Faith means knowing that whatever the outcome of our experience is, Jesus Christ is still perfect, good, loving, sovereign, Lord above all, and in control.  That no matter what life brings, we can remain steadfast because He Who went before us was steadfast.  How can this not be to our good?  The strengthening of our faith in order to help us withstand greater trials that we will inevitably face in this world.  This is truly a GOOD thing.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him...".  To LOVE Him.  In loving Him, we will be striving to become more like Him.  When we become more like Him, it will of course be to our greatest benefit, to our good.  What could possibly be better than being further molded to the Savior Who gave His life for us?  When we learn and strive to love Him ABOVE all else, everything else in this world will fall in comparison.  That's not to say that in loving Him, all our problems will go away.  But in loving Him, He will be our biggest comfort in the midst of those problems, and knowing that in return, He loves US.  He is with us through it all. 

In examining my experience to see what I needed to learn, I have come to see that my biggest weakness has been that Jesus has not been the Lord of my life.  He has not been the most important Person to me.  He has not been the One I sought to glorify.  He has not been the one I love most above all.  Instead, and for too long, He's been the Person I pray to when I need something, as if He was some magic genie in the sky Whose sole purpose was to grant me my every desire.  I would usually only go to Him when I needed something.   I have come to realize that this is first and foremost, so deeply and profoundly wrong of me.  Jesus Christ is GOD.  He is Holy, PERFECT, righteous, gracious, merciful, all powerful, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, loving, and so much more.  He created the universe and this world we live in.  He created me.  For me to trivialize Him to merely a request granter is appalling.   

Second, I realized that this needs to change immediately and the only way to do that is for me to let go of the things I want in this world and reestablish Jesus Christ as the head of my life.  To love Him above all else, obey, and to glorify Him needs to be the highest desire and goal of my heart and life.  It won't be easy, but change rarely is.  But it's worth it. 


I don't know whether or not God has orchestrated this experience in my life to teach me this lesson or if this is just a case of us living in a fallen world.  Perhaps I'll know someday down the road when I'm able to look back with objectivity and perspective that I don't currently have.  What I do know is that regardless of how this event occurred, is has been something that God has used in my life to mold me more into His image, to draw me closer to Him and eradicate the things that would work to supplant Him in His rightful role in my life.

This of course all works our in the end for my good.