Before I begin, I want to make one thing very clear: this isn't a sob story about how I'm a victim or how my current insecurity is a result of people being mean to me. No, this is entirely about coming clean on a glaring area of sin in my life.
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I am incredibly and insufferably self-conscious. I constantly scrutinize everything I do when interacting with people and/or cyberspace. Questions of "How does this make me look?" or "Will saying this make me look stupid?" are, unfortunately, never far from my mind. It's shameful.
What's sad, is that I've been like this most of my life.
I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. I often lamented this fact to my Dad, who proceed to tell me that I have my sister (whom I later came to greatly appreciate) and that I'd meet my life-long friends in college. I was rarely appeased.
Through a desire to have immediate gratification, I tried to pursue this one group of people in hopes of filling a void I thought I had. Unfortunately, no matter how long, hard or how often I initiated with them, it was never reciprocated. No friendships were formed and as a result, I became very introspective and self-conscious. From then on, I've operated from a very selfish, appearance motivated, people pleasing mindset.
As a Christ-follower, this is the last thing I should be doing. Instead of living a life devoted to glorifying God and dwelling in His love and mercy, I'm searching for people's acceptance. When I feel like I'm not being accepted by people (i.e. them not reaching out to me, wanting to be the best of friends forever and ever), I berate myself, viewing it as "somethings wrong with me". My "self-consciousness" ultimately becomes a pity party for me, myself, and I. I'm being incredibly selfish and sinning in a big way. My insecurity demonstrates an utter lack of contentment in what God has given me. Even worse, I'm placing far more importance upon people's opinions, rather than God..
Jesus Christ didn't hang, suffer, and die on the Cross so that I can live a life spent worrying about MYSELF. He died so that I could be covered in HIS Righteousness, so that when I stand before God, He won't even see ME - He will see Christ's Righteousness. And here I am trying to be cool. Geez.
I don't want to be the person that I am now. I want to be completely consumed by Christ and a desire to bring Him glory, honor, and praise. I want my identity to be solely found in Him. I just don't know how to not care about what people think of me. The only thing I can do is pray and ask that God help me overcome this area of sin in my life, and solicit the prayers of fellow believers.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
"But I WANT that!!!"
So yesterday, Jon wanted to go to Best Buy to check out the new 3-D Nintendo DS system to see if it was all it was cracked up to be. He was pleased.
While said husband was being entertained by the new gadget, I decided to wander around Best Buy...bad idea. You're accosted by a Best Buy Sales person at every turn!...ok, perhaps accosted is too strong a word, but there were a lot of them, and I was asked if I needed help by at least 4 different people. On one hand, I understand their plight - they're located next to, and therefore competing with, Wal-Mart. Business is slow - that's pretty self-explanatory. On the other hand, and unfortunately for them, we had no intention of buying anything. Poor guys. To their credit though, their prices actually were better than Wal-Mart, at least as far as TV's are concerned.
Segue!
Yes. TV's. TVs are new, sleek, big, clear, quasi-affordable (without cable...but you can't NOT have cable..seriously...what's the point of having a nice tv then...) and Jon and I have been talking about purchasing one eventually. I should elaborate on "eventually". What we really mean when we say "eventually" is: way way way faaarrrr far far down the road. I should have known better.
So, while trying to avoid the Best Buy people (in vain) down the TV isles, we browsed, checked out prices and imagined what kind and size we would like to have someday. In my mind, however, I'm secretly getting my hopes up "It's ONLY $400 - that's SO much better than $500 or $600 and we could easily pay it off! The picture would be so much clearer and bigger! etc". Sound familiar? Cats anyone?
I bet you can guess what happened next. If you can't...well, we left. No TV, no immediate plan of buying one, and me desperately fighting the urge to throw a fit (not tantrum, mind you). For heavens' sake! We can't buy a TV! Oh the trials....
As I type this, I'm struck with one verse:
“You shall have no other gods before Me." Exodus 20:3
Wow. I feel like I've been lambasted.
I have a lot to think about.
While said husband was being entertained by the new gadget, I decided to wander around Best Buy...bad idea. You're accosted by a Best Buy Sales person at every turn!...ok, perhaps accosted is too strong a word, but there were a lot of them, and I was asked if I needed help by at least 4 different people. On one hand, I understand their plight - they're located next to, and therefore competing with, Wal-Mart. Business is slow - that's pretty self-explanatory. On the other hand, and unfortunately for them, we had no intention of buying anything. Poor guys. To their credit though, their prices actually were better than Wal-Mart, at least as far as TV's are concerned.
Segue!
Yes. TV's. TVs are new, sleek, big, clear, quasi-affordable (without cable...but you can't NOT have cable..seriously...what's the point of having a nice tv then...) and Jon and I have been talking about purchasing one eventually. I should elaborate on "eventually". What we really mean when we say "eventually" is: way way way faaarrrr far far down the road. I should have known better.
So, while trying to avoid the Best Buy people (in vain) down the TV isles, we browsed, checked out prices and imagined what kind and size we would like to have someday. In my mind, however, I'm secretly getting my hopes up "It's ONLY $400 - that's SO much better than $500 or $600 and we could easily pay it off! The picture would be so much clearer and bigger! etc". Sound familiar? Cats anyone?
I bet you can guess what happened next. If you can't...well, we left. No TV, no immediate plan of buying one, and me desperately fighting the urge to throw a fit (not tantrum, mind you). For heavens' sake! We can't buy a TV! Oh the trials....
As I type this, I'm struck with one verse:
“You shall have no other gods before Me." Exodus 20:3
Wow. I feel like I've been lambasted.
I have a lot to think about.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Ramblings
It's been close to a week since I last posted, and unfortunately, I'm at a loss of what to write about. To add to this bothersome predicament, I can't NOT write something because I need to breathe life into this blog if I have any hopes of keeping it.
So what's my solution? Well, as it's looking right now, I'm writing a blog about not being able to write a blog.
What's a girl to do?
Ramble.
Or I can give an update on my attempts at domestication.
It's quasi-working. I made Ultimate Party Meatballs with Egg Noodles last night (Saturday). It's probably one of Jon's and my favorite dinners. Tonight was unfortunately a wash because I (by all accounts, the opposite of what I am trying to do with this challenge) had to work today. Such is the burden of a working woman.
Tomorrow? Probably Parmesan Encrusted (strange word to use to describe food) Tilapia. Mom-Moore gave me the recipe. It's delish.
Oh yeah! The house got cleaned this weekend.
Verdict?
Jenn: 3/4 point
Non Domestication: 1/4 point
So what's my solution? Well, as it's looking right now, I'm writing a blog about not being able to write a blog.
What's a girl to do?
Ramble.
Or I can give an update on my attempts at domestication.
It's quasi-working. I made Ultimate Party Meatballs with Egg Noodles last night (Saturday). It's probably one of Jon's and my favorite dinners. Tonight was unfortunately a wash because I (by all accounts, the opposite of what I am trying to do with this challenge) had to work today. Such is the burden of a working woman.
Tomorrow? Probably Parmesan Encrusted (strange word to use to describe food) Tilapia. Mom-Moore gave me the recipe. It's delish.
Oh yeah! The house got cleaned this weekend.
Verdict?
Jenn: 3/4 point
Non Domestication: 1/4 point
Monday, March 28, 2011
Christ is Risen
This is probably one of my favorite songs. I have many, but this one just stands out to me today.
Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but Heaven's will
No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night
Sing it, o death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Rise up from the grave
Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but Heaven's will
No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night
Sing it, o death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Rise up from the grave
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Domesticity...or lack thereof
I really enjoy cooking. The only problem is, I hate cooking.
Quite the paradox isn't it?
I should clarify. When I say "I really enjoy cooking", I do mean it. When I'm cooking something on the stove top or oven, with the delicious smells and tastes of nearly ready food, it's wonderful. When the finished product is ready for consumption, it's awesome to know that I made it and (usually) it tastes really good. Plus, it's a fantastic opportunity for me to serve my family.
Now, when I say "I hate cooking", what I really mean is, I hate everything that precedes the actual cooking part. Finding a recipe, checking to see if you have all the supplies, near-throwing-in-the-towel when you realize that you have to make a Wal-Mart run for one key ingredient, then preparing it all to finally be made edible....it's a pain.
Additionally, I'm a creature of habit. I spent 4 years in college, either having meals all ready for me(cafeteria, not personal chef...though that would have been awesome) or fixing up whatever was fastest and easiest. I probably made 5-7 legitimate, lengthy prep-time, meals while I lived in an apartment my senior year. It's shameful, I know. Aside from those rare times, dinner usually consisted of a sandwich, bowl of soup with crackers, or a bowl of cereal. If I was feeling adventurous or sick of sandwich,soup, or cereal, I'd cook a chicken breast and add some spaghetti noodles and marinara sauce. I know. Impressive....
Unfortunately, aforementioned habits have carried over into married life. Problem with that is, I'm not feeding just myself anymore. I've got a husband to take care of now. That's not to say, however, that he's incompetent or incapable of feeding himself. He's actually made several delicious meals for us and usually helps me when I'm cooking - he's truly a wonderful husband.
Truth be told, I'm just lazy. Often when I get home from work, the last thing I want to do is spend 30 mins to an hour preparing food to eat. It's so much easier to grab a bowl of cereal and sit on the couch for the rest of the evening.
My poor husband.
Well, I've decided that it's time for me to stop being so lazy. Cooking is a great way to serve my husband, it often provides meals for a few days afterwards, and usually saves money. It's time for me to start being the domestic woman I want to be rather than the woman who has the desire but no will-power to follow through.
Therefore, my goal for the first week in April is to cook a meal every day or after left-overs are gone. As a way to hold myself accountable, I will post pictures (granted I figure out how to do that on here).
Here's to domestication! Woo!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Good Morning! Welcome to Church. Here's a healthy dose of perspective...
If you had spoken with me two days ago, you would have found me in the pits of despondency. Ok, perhaps a little less dramatic, but it still would have been pitiful.
Jon and I had decided to go on a walk before we turned in for the night. As we were walking down the street, an adorable cat came up to us wanting desperately to be pet. So, Jon and I being the accommodating couple that we are, acquiesced.
It was such a sweet cat, purring and constantly nudging us to be pet and scratched (behind the ears). The more we played with it, the more I secretly hoped we would take it home with us. It was so cuddly and affectionate (as far as cats go at least) and I was already running with the idea keeping it. It would be simple, because cats are low-maintenance. We wouldn't have to worry about feeding or walking it because of automatic food dispensers and litter boxes. If we decided to go away for a week, aforementioned utilities would take care of everything until we got back. It would have been great!
There was one small problem. We can't have pets where we live. In that moment however, that didn't matter. I was willing to compromise all integrity to bring it home.
Poor Jon. He had the unfortunate task of bringing me back to reality. He gently told me that we can't keep it because we signed a contract. No matter how adorable the animal might be, we couldn't renege on our word.
I was not happy.
Upon hearing "no", I stalked off leaving Jon behind still petting the cat. He caught up and asked me if I was ok. I proceeded to answer by listing off a set of grievances I thought we were suffering and how awful I thought our life was. We don't have any freedom! "We're locked in a stinking small house for another 5 months!" (that's near verbatim unfortunately). We can't have pets! Our house is too small! We have no storage space!....
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
If you imagine the sound of a baby crying, it wouldn't be too far off from how I sounded.
Cut to today. I have since changed my tune, or at least I've stopped complaining. It wasn't until after the sermon today in church that I really acknowledged how sinful I was being. Sam Storms, the pastor, preached on Job. Talk about a wake-up call. Job was a God fearing and honoring man. God saw this, and so did Satan. Satan accused Job of only being so godly because of all God's blessings towards him. God then allowed Satan to wreak havoc on Job's life in attempt to make him curse God. After the initial wave of destruction wrought by Satan (it got worse), one would think Job threw in the towel, fell apart, and cursed God.
No, rather, Job says this: "“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21
Woah.
Job lost EVERYTHING. His livestock, his servants, and his children. In spite of it all he praised God.
I couldn't bring home a cat and I fell apart.
Needless to say, I was deeply ashamed. I allowed my emotions to control my thoughts and nose dived into a mood/mentality of discontentment and anger because I didn't GET what I wanted. You would have thought I was in the midst of a great trial. If I could have a fraction of the faith Job had, I'd be miles ahead of where I am now. I have a lot of growing to do, but praise God that in spite of my sin, He has forgiven me and will continue to mold me into a woman worthy of bringing Him praise, honor, and glory. Praise God!
Jon and I had decided to go on a walk before we turned in for the night. As we were walking down the street, an adorable cat came up to us wanting desperately to be pet. So, Jon and I being the accommodating couple that we are, acquiesced.
It was such a sweet cat, purring and constantly nudging us to be pet and scratched (behind the ears). The more we played with it, the more I secretly hoped we would take it home with us. It was so cuddly and affectionate (as far as cats go at least) and I was already running with the idea keeping it. It would be simple, because cats are low-maintenance. We wouldn't have to worry about feeding or walking it because of automatic food dispensers and litter boxes. If we decided to go away for a week, aforementioned utilities would take care of everything until we got back. It would have been great!
There was one small problem. We can't have pets where we live. In that moment however, that didn't matter. I was willing to compromise all integrity to bring it home.
Poor Jon. He had the unfortunate task of bringing me back to reality. He gently told me that we can't keep it because we signed a contract. No matter how adorable the animal might be, we couldn't renege on our word.
I was not happy.
Upon hearing "no", I stalked off leaving Jon behind still petting the cat. He caught up and asked me if I was ok. I proceeded to answer by listing off a set of grievances I thought we were suffering and how awful I thought our life was. We don't have any freedom! "We're locked in a stinking small house for another 5 months!" (that's near verbatim unfortunately). We can't have pets! Our house is too small! We have no storage space!....
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
If you imagine the sound of a baby crying, it wouldn't be too far off from how I sounded.
Cut to today. I have since changed my tune, or at least I've stopped complaining. It wasn't until after the sermon today in church that I really acknowledged how sinful I was being. Sam Storms, the pastor, preached on Job. Talk about a wake-up call. Job was a God fearing and honoring man. God saw this, and so did Satan. Satan accused Job of only being so godly because of all God's blessings towards him. God then allowed Satan to wreak havoc on Job's life in attempt to make him curse God. After the initial wave of destruction wrought by Satan (it got worse), one would think Job threw in the towel, fell apart, and cursed God.
No, rather, Job says this: "“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21
Woah.
Job lost EVERYTHING. His livestock, his servants, and his children. In spite of it all he praised God.
I couldn't bring home a cat and I fell apart.
Needless to say, I was deeply ashamed. I allowed my emotions to control my thoughts and nose dived into a mood/mentality of discontentment and anger because I didn't GET what I wanted. You would have thought I was in the midst of a great trial. If I could have a fraction of the faith Job had, I'd be miles ahead of where I am now. I have a lot of growing to do, but praise God that in spite of my sin, He has forgiven me and will continue to mold me into a woman worthy of bringing Him praise, honor, and glory. Praise God!
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